Our emotional well-being is deeply rooted in the nurturing and supportive connections we experience, especially during childhood. Loving relationships help us develop a sense of safety, self-worth, and trust, which are essential for healthy emotional growth. When these positive qualities are nurtured early on, they carry into adulthood, enabling us to soothe and support ourselves during difficult times. These qualities form part of what we call the 'Healthy Adult Self'. This is the part of us that draws on these positive experiences to lead and motivate ourselves, offer support, and care for ourselves effectively. Adults who have experienced childhood neglect and abuse are likely to have an impaired Healthy Adult Self due to a lack of these healthy experiences. Read on to learn what the Healthy Adult Self is, how it develops, and how you can strengthen yours.
The Roots of our Healthy Adult Self
The development of the Healthy Adult Self begins with our early interactions with caregivers. When caregivers consistently offer comfort, reassurance, and stability, children absorb and internalise these healthy responses. This helps us learn to regulate our emotions, supporting our growth into confident, self-reliant adults. For instance, imagine a child falls over, and their mother responds with a hug and says, "Oh no, sweetheart, you fell down! That's okay, let me kiss it better. It will hurt for a little while, but you'll be just fine." This warm, supportive, loving response helps the child feel safe, respected, loved, and cared for.
If this nurturing continues consistently throughout childhood, these experiences become internal resources. Later in life, when that child faces challenges like a breakup or a betrayal, they can draw on these stored resources, reassuring themselves: "This is painful, but it will pass, and I'll be okay." In this way, the positive, nurturing messages from childhood become an internal voice and an element of our Healthy Adult Self, guiding self-soothing and emotional regulation as adults. In this way, our Healthy Adult Self is like our internal loving caregiver - we learn to parent, love and care for ourselves in the way a loving parent would their child.
This process can go awry when caregiving is inconsistent, rejecting or lacking in comfort. This occurs in two broad categories; one is neglect, where responses are rejecting and dismissive, the other is abuse, where responses are critical, shaming, judging or aggressive. Unfortunately, the brain still internalises these patterns for future use. Imagine a different scenario: a little boy falls off his bike and starts to cry, but his dad furrows his brow, points at him, and says, "Don't be such a baby! Get up, stop crying, and get back on your bike!" If this is repeated throughout childhood, the boy learns to respond to his own distress and pain with harshness and self-criticism.
As an adult, his inner voice might sound like, "Stop crying, stop being weak, just get over it." Without experiencing consistent support and care, it's difficult to be gentle, understanding and nurturing towards oneself. Consequently, this young boy's Healthy Adult Self has not developed the capacity to respond to pain with compassion and support. Responding to hurt or difficult emotions with judgment or criticism doesn’t help — in fact, it will likely make things worse, because you are abusing yourself for being hurt. For adults who did not receive adequately loving, supportive, and nurturing care during their upbringing, the Healthy Adult Self is often underdeveloped.
Signs of an Under-Developed Healthy Adult Self
Note: this is not a comprehensive list, these are just some examples of common indications.
Harsh Self-Criticism: This involves an ongoing internal dialogue that is overly negative and judgmental. You might frequently berate yourself for perceived mistakes or shortcomings, often using language you would never direct at others. This constant self-judgment can lead to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.
Difficulty with Self-Soothing: When faced with stress, anxiety, or emotional distress, someone with an under-developed Healthy Adult Self may find it hard to calm themselves down. They might struggle to find comfort or reassurance internally, leading them to seek external sources of relief, such as food, alcohol, or distraction, rather than addressing the root of their distress.
Avoiding Emotions: Instead of confronting difficult feelings, they may turn to numbing behaviors like excessive screen time, substance use, or other forms of avoidance. This can prevent them from processing and resolving emotions, leading to unresolved feelings and greater emotional turmoil over time.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: Self-sabotage might manifest as procrastination, perfectionism, or engaging in habits that undermine their well-being, such as substance abuse or unhealthy relationships. These behaviors often stem from a fear of failure or success, keeping individuals stuck in a cycle of self-defeat.
Perfectionism: Perfectionism involves setting unrealistic, rigid standards for oneself and feeling anxious or ashamed when these standards aren’t met. It creates a constant sense of pressure to be flawless, often leading to burnout, anxiety, and a fear of trying new things due to the possibility of not succeeding.
Lack of Self-Compassion: People may find it challenging to offer themselves the same kindness, understanding, and patience they would offer a friend. They often engage in harsh self-judgment, struggle to forgive themselves for mistakes, and rarely acknowledge their own efforts or progress.
Fear of Asking for Help: They may avoid seeking support because they fear burdening others or appearing weak. This can lead to isolation, overwhelm, and a sense of trying to handle everything alone, which further perpetuates feelings of inadequacy and stress.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: This can involve struggling to say "no" to requests, overcommitting, or prioritizing others' needs over their own. It often leads to feeling exhausted, resentful, or taken advantage of, as well as difficulties maintaining healthy, balanced relationships.
Overwhelming Shame: Shame goes beyond feeling bad about specific actions; it’s the internalized belief of being inherently flawed or fundamentally “not good enough.” This pervasive sense of inadequacy may prevent you from pursuing opportunities, connecting with others, or engaging in self-care, as you may feel undeserving of positive experiences.
Neglect of Self-Care: You may find it challenging to prioritize your well-being, neglecting basic needs like proper nutrition, exercise, rest, and time for relaxation. This can stem from beliefs that self-care is selfish or undeserved, leading to burnout and reduced overall resilience.
Difficulty Setting Limits: You may have difficulty setting healthy limits for yourself - this can result in impulsivity, excessive spending, or an attitude of permissiveness (doing what you want, regardless of consequences).
Practicing Your Healthy Adult Self
1. Look at Yourself with the Best Possible Eyes
Be your own best friend. This means offering yourself the same empathy, kindness, and care that you readily give to those you love. Practicing looking at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you can change your perspective, helping you be more patient, supportive, and understanding with yourself, especially during tough times.
2. Look at Yourself with Realistic Eyes
While it’s important to view ourselves with kindness and understanding, it’s equally crucial to be realistic and acknowledge our mistakes and imperfections with honesty and grace. Accepting your faults with compassion allows you to embrace yourself as an imperfect but worthy individual who does not need to be perfect to be valued and loved.
3. Recognise and Validate Your Feelings and Needs
Learning to understand and respond to your feelings and emotional needs is essential for self-care. Consider these signals as valid and important, and respond to them in a way that nurtures your well-being.
4. Protect Yourself Adequately
Healthy boundaries are essential for protecting your space, emotions, and well-being. Learning to understand what boundaries are, why they matter, and how to establish them effectively can help you feel more confident in asserting your needs and creating supportive relationships.
5. Achieve Balance Between Your Needs and the Needs of Others
Healthy Adult decision-making involves balancing your own needs with the needs of others, creating more harmonious and compassionate interactions. It means learning to recognise, respect, and respond to both your needs and the needs of others with a sense of reciprocity.
6. Engage in Activities and Relationships that are Positive for You
Your Healthy Adult Self understands the importance of joy, fun, and relaxation. Intentionally creating space for activities that nurture happiness and relaxation is an important step toward fostering a sense of balance and self-care.
7. Respect Every Part of Yourself
Your Healthy Adult Self is respectful to every part of you. Every feeling, thought, and urge exists for a reason and has a purpose. Approach yourself with patience and an open mind, gently exploring the needs behind your thoughts and emotions.
8. Avoid Self-Criticism, Judgment, and Harsh Language
Your Healthy Adult Self is like a caring parent. Instead of harsh criticism, practice self-kindness and redirect yourself gently: “I’m not speaking to myself like this anymore. I made a mistake, but everyone does, and I will do my best to learn from it.”
9. Be Curious
Approach your thoughts and emotions with curiosity, rather than criticism. Gentle exploration can help you understand patterns, gain insights, and promote empathy and self-awareness.
10. Improve Internal Communication
If it feels like different parts of you have conflicting needs, improving internal communication can help you make sense of these feelings. Your Healthy Adult Self listens to and understands all your internal states, responding with compassion and helping support a more harmonious inner environment.
By cultivating these qualities, you can develop a stronger, more nurturing Healthy Adult Self, supporting your overall well-being and resilience.