Unsure of your attachment style? Check how you talk about your parents.

The relationships we form early in life, especially with primary caregivers like our parents, shape the way we learn to connect with ourselves and others.

These first bonds, or attachments, set the foundation for how we connect with ourselves and others as adults.

Attachment theory looks at how those early experiences ripple out into our later lives. It’s not just about childhood. It’s about why you might struggle to ask for help, find it hard to trust, or feel anxious when relationships feel uncertain as an adult.

One of the leading psychologists in this area, Mary Main, developed a tool called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI). What she found was powerful: the way people talk about their past—not just the events themselves, but how they tell the story—reveals a lot about their attachment style.

Coherence of Mind

Main introduced the idea of “coherence of mind.” It’s less about having a perfect memory and more about being able to talk about your past in a clear, consistent, and emotionally balanced way.

Someone with high coherence can reflect on both the good and the hard parts of childhood without getting stuck in one extreme. For example:

“My mum was generally very caring, but she could also be strict. At the time it felt hard, but I can see she was doing her best.”

That kind of balanced, realistic perspective is a hallmark of secure attachment.

Main and her colleagues looked for a few key things when judging coherence:

• Truthfulness – does the story feel believable and grounded?

• Completeness – enough detail to make sense, but not overwhelming.

• Relevance – staying on track rather than drifting.

• Clarity – easy to follow, with ideas that connect.

  
  

Main's findings indicated that people with secure attachment tend to have coherent, balanced stories, while people with insecure attachment may struggle with this. This means that the way we talk about our childhood experiences often reflects our attachment pattern.

Attachment styles in adulthood

Using the AAI, four main attachment styles were identified: secure, dismissing (avoidant), anxious-preoccupied, and disorganised. Each one shows up in how people talk about their past and how they approach relationships now.

1. Secure Attachment

Securely attached adults can talk about their childhood in a balanced way, recognizing both the good and difficult aspects of their past. They are open to discussing both positive and negative experiences and often show empathy and understanding toward their caregivers.

Maybe Taytay is securely attached

“My dad worked long hours, so I felt lonely a lot. I know he cared for me and made time when he could.”

This balanced view and calm tone indicate a secure attachment, making space for Dad’s strengths while also acknowledging challenging aspects.

2. Dismissing (Avoidant) Attachment

Those with a dismissing attachment style tend to downplay the importance of their childhood experiences. They may describe their past with limited detail or brush off painful experiences, sometimes saying things like, “It doesn’t really matter.”

MFW someone tells me their childhood was perfect

“My parents were great. I had a perfect childhood. We didn’t really talk about feelings, but I didn’t need much anyway. I was a very independent child.”

The short, matter-of-fact tone, and lack of emotional detail suggest defences where the person has learned to suppress their feelings and be self-reliant due to limited emotional support growing up.

3. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often become very emotional when talking about their childhood. They may share lengthy, detailed stories and may repeat themselves frequently or tend to exaggerate.

"so, tell me about your upbringing?"

“My mum NEVER showed she loved me, and it RUINED MY LIFE. All of my problems are HER FAULT. Because of her, I am constantly seeking validation. I can NEVER have a normal relationship because of the damage she caused. What kind of a parent DOES that? She really must be f***** in the head! My problems are ALL HER FAULT.”

4. Disorganised Attachment

Those with disorganised attachment often describe their caregivers in ways that don't quite add up. Their stories might shift between warmth and fear, love and unpredictability, and feel scattered or contradictory. This reflects the internalised confusion of having a caregiver who was both a source of comfort and of threat. For example:

“My mum... well, she was amazing! Really caring. She'd tuck me in every night. She lost it sometimes out of absolutely NOWHERE. She was terrifying. She was sooo loving. She scared me a lot. She really tried. I never knew what was going to happen, one minute she's okay the next all hell breaks loose. I don't really know how to explain her. It's really confusing. She was SUCH a good mum. I wouldn't EVER want to be like her.”

Why Your Attachment Style Matters

Understanding your attachment style helps explain why you show up in relationships the way you do. When you can spot your patterns, it gets easier to understand challenges and shift work on how you respond.

• Secure attachment — Generally comfortable leaning on others when needed, expressing needs, and trusting people to be there for you.

• Dismissing attachment — Might avoid getting too close or struggle to open up about vulnerable feelings, which can leave partners feeling shut out.

• Anxious-preoccupied attachment —Might crave reassurance and feel unsettled by even small signs of distance or rejection.

• Disorganised attachment — Might feel torn between wanting closeness and pushing it away, can feel unpredictable and confusing to partners.

  
  

Growing Beyond Our Attachment Patterns

Luckily, your attachment style isn’t necessarily a life sentence. Recent research has demonstrated EMDR therapy can improve healthy attachment! How cool is that? It doesn't surprise me, either, because insecure attachment styles are really just a manifestation of early-life trauma. See here for very cool EMDR and attachment research. There's also a study here on EMDR improving healthy personality traits, which could also be argued as improving attachment security (I would absolutely make that argument).

Over time and with trauma healing, people can move toward what’s called an earned secure attachment, a way of connecting that feels safer, more balanced, and healthier, even if childhood relationships didn’t set that foundation.

If you're interested in learning more about trauma (from someone who knows what she's on about), join my mailing list. Or, if you're super duper keen and want to dive in and do some trauma healing, contact me now 😃