Dear EMDR therapist: You can't help everyone, and that's okay

You can’t help everyone (and that’s not a failure)

This is a short post, but it’s important.

No one ever sat me down during training and said,“Helen, you can’t help everyone. It’s actually impossible.”

If anything, I was led to believe the opposite. That if I had enough empathy, unconditional positive regard, and theoretical training, I should be able to help anyone. That’s what good, skilled therapists do, right?

Nope, it’s not. And believing otherwise set me up for years of unnecessary guilt and shame.

Don't get me wrong — I am totally committed to my client's healing. I genuinely care for the people I work with and I work very hard alongside them to help them reach their goals, process their stuff, and heal.

But I have learned my limits, and importantly, the realistic limits of my responsibility in their healing.

The myth of the 100% success rate

Ok, I would believe McDreamy...

Let me ask you something: Have you ever had surgery? Or seen a medical specialist?

Did they promise you a 100% guarantee of a successful outcome?

Of course not. And if they had, you’d probably lose trust in them instantly. Why? Because we know that’s not how real life works.

No surgeon would (or should) suggest that the outcome of your recovery is entirely in their hands. There are too many variables beyond them. Healing and recovery is never a one-person job.

So if surgeons aren’t expected to help every patient... Why are therapists?

Especially in trauma therapy

This gets even messier in trauma work.

Trauma therapy is hard. It takes time, discomfort, emotional stamina, and a willingness to show up again and again when things feel worse before they feel better.

EMDR, especially, is not a walk in the park. I bang on a lot about how I want to help people cope, not heal. I can admit, however, that focusing exclusively on coping is easier in the short term. EMDR requires people to:

• Be emotionally and intrinsically motivated

• Follow specific instructions

• Manipulate mental contents as instructed

• Show up even when they don’t want to

  
  

It’s hard. And realistically, it’s just not always the right time for everyone.

I think EMDR 2.0 gets it right

The EMDR 2.0 crew (Suzy Matthijssen and Ad de Jongh) from the Netherlands talk about motivation as a critical element of EMDR success. In my work, I have found that absolutely checks out.

I can bring skill, compassion, and structure. But I can’t make someone do what they need to in order to heal.

Let go of the god complex

I promise, it's freeing! I don't want to be the almighty healer! I want to be the super skilled and knowledgeable psychologist who gives clients all the support, care and ingredients they need to get better. I give them the conditions required to heal. But they are the ones that do it.

So therapists, here's your daily reminder: You are not going to help everyone.

Even if you’re ethical, skilled, and doing your best work.

Even if you care deeply and show up fully.

Even if you wish it were different.

You just can’t help everyone.

And that doesn’t make you a bad therapist. In fact, it makes you a bloody brilliant therapist for recognising the reality of your limits. And most of all, it makes you human. Welcome to the club, there's eight billion of us!